Jim's Lament
by TheTrekkieGirl
Summary: What if... Spock had stayed dead? What if there was just no possible way to bring him back? How would Jim deal? How badly would he suffer? Songfic, full summary inside. I don't own Ligeia'a Lament or anything related. Glitch with the words, still readable


A/N Yay, another songfic! The song this time is... You probably haven't heard of it! Ever! So I'm jumpin' right in and telling you later.

Jk, I won't do that to you guys this time. The song is **Ligeia's Lament by Michelle Belanger.** This song is short, it's only two stanzas and all, but it's about loss, and it got me thinking – what if Spock had stayed dead? What if they hadn't been able to bring him back? And how would it affect Jim?

So yeah, creative liberties, some AU, The Search For Spock never happened, sadly. And, uh, TVH never happened either. Let's just pretend that in my version, an asteroid hit the probe thingy and blew the pieces to, like, Ceti Alpha V. Also, I haven't seen Generations. But yeah, I'm anxious to get this up and running, so... *Jumps into swirly purple and black portal and arrives at a gorgeous dark purple room with a black piano, suddenly wearing a silky black and purple gown. She sits at piano, runs her fingers gently over the keys, and begins the first notes.*

…...

_The bells tolled at her passing, and I wept tears of blood  
The good life is so fleeting, and destiny is so cruel_

When I saw Spock's dead body behind that glass wall, I could almost hear church bells ringing in sorrow. Back in our – well, it was only _my_ quarters now, sadly – this illusion was only increasing my sadness. Part of me wanted to forget, but more than anything, I wanted my t'hy'la back. I couldn't imagine living without him, but now I was faced with the task of living for the both of us. Destiny had made my life heaven for a fleeting six years, then just cruelly snatched it away.

I wanted to die, to leave and be with him again. I _needed_ him. I needed to leave in a way that Bones wouldn't be able to fix. My thoughts were drifting on a phaser shot to my temple when I finally fell asleep.

That night, I dreamed of him. He was looking at me so forlornly, wearing his old uniform. He looked me straight in the eye and almost whispered _"Do not die for me, Jim. My life was taken from me; you still have so much to live for. _

"_I will wait for you, t'hy'la. You will see me again when the time is right."_

I tried to reach out to him, to touch him one more time without a piece of glass in my way, but I was wrenched from sleep by a stabbing pain. I had left a stylus on my pillow that had cut me just by the inner corner of my right eye. I threw it across the room in in anger; anger that my dream had been interrupted; anger at destiny for dangling what I wanted; what I_ needed _themost, just to take it away once more.

I broke down into fresh tears, salt water mixing with blood and leaving gruesome-looking streaks down my face. I didn't bother brushing them away, they would only come back.  
…...

_My heart is tossed in a sea of pain, and I know that I am alone  
She lies cold in her coffin, and all my joy has flown._

That night wasn't as bad compared to the funeral. Waves of pain crashed down on my heart, and even though I was surrounded by friends, I knew the truth. I was truly alone in this world now. My friends said they'd be there for me, and while I don't doubt them, when I saw Sulu pull Chekov a little closer, I had to look away. Instead, I rested my gaze on the casket. I walked over to it, and rested a single rose on his chest. My hand rested upon his cold body for just a second, wishing for the warm, Vulcan skin that had been the last thing I'd remembered before falling asleep for so many nights. I would never feel it again.

I faced my friends and delivered the eulogy as best I could, and I was able to keep it together... until the last sentence.

"Of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most ..." I swallowed hard, fighting back tears that I refused to show in from of my friends. "...human." I delivered shakily, my voice breaking from effort.

Later, as I watched Spock's coffin burn up in Genesis' atmosphere, the last remnant of joy left me. Flown away with the body of the only one I ever wanted and ever needed. The smile I gave to Saavik to cheer her up was forced, but it seemed to help her anyway. I wish it had been that easy for me.

"Personal log, Stardate... not remembered at this time.

"We've won, we've beaten Khan, and the Genesis project was an apparent success. But this victory came at a great price. My bondmate, Captain Spock, was killed by radiation poisoning in a suicide mission to save us all. We have sent his body to the newborn Genesis planet." I sighed sadly. "I feel as though I have left the noblest part of myself back there."  
…...

_We were once young and happy, she was my hope and joy  
Her sweet eyes were so vibrant, she charmed my dark brooding heart._

I've been trapped in the Nexus for almost eight years now. I sit inside a small cabin in the mountains. Everything is only an illusion. I've been trying to forget, trying to live my life over again. I can choose whichever fantasy I want. But it isn't helping. I cannot forget. Every day, I simply reminisce about my past.

(Flashback)

It's 2265, the first year of my first five-year mission. I've met my engineers, my medical staff, my communications officer, and my bridge crew. I've almost finished meeting my science department.

I'm waiting to see the head Science Officer, my First Officer. I don't think much of it. I don't know who he is, or even what species he is, so I don't know what to expect.

I've also come to realize earlier in the year that I'm not really straight. I'm only half straight. In other words, bisexual. Although he doesn't know it, that one night on Deneb IV wasn't a drunken accident. I have genuine feelings for my friend, lieutenant commander Gary Mitchell. I'm hoping that one day, I'll be able to tell him. He's always in my thoughts.

Until that one moment that changed everything.

I hear footsteps in the hall, and watch as the door is opened. _This must be my Science Officer. _I thought to myself. _I wonder what he's like._

The door opens... and in steps my First Officer.

My jaw drops, and I gasp. Thoughts of Gary are all but gone, shoved away into the deepest corners of my mind. My heart stops, then picks up again irregularly. The emotions coursing through me are unbelievable; is this what Cloud Nine is? Or what it's like to walk on sunshine?

As he draws nearer, I can feel my knees buckling and shaking. Breathing is getting harder. How will I be able to talk?

He's reached me, he's talking - what is he saying?

"-honored to be here. I assume you are the captain?"

His voice is husky and sweet. Unlike the Admirality, his voice isn't condescending at all. He seems perfectly fine with the idea of a captain as young as me. And he's so close to me, I don't think I can breath. "Y-yes. I am. The captain, I mean." _Wow, way to go Jim. _I thought.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, sir. I am Spock of Vulcan. I believe I was told that your name was James Tiberius Kirk?"

His voice when he says my name is beautiful. His name may be alien, but somehow, it's become my favorite word almost instantly.

"Pardon, captain?"

I suddenly realize that I said that out loud. "Um, I'm... pleased to meet you as well. I believe we could be great friends. Y-you have nice eyes."

_What. The. FUCK Jim? You're James Bond around girls, but when you crush on a guy, you say _that_ the first day you meet him? What, are you in high school again? Where's your "Captain's Dignity"? _I don't bother fighting back any of these thoughts. I can feel the blood rushing up to my face.

Instead of frowning and walking off, Spock adorably raises an eyebrow at me. "I am not usually paid compliments. In fact, on Vulcan, I am generally frowned upon due to my half-Human heritage."

This shocks me for two reasons: One, I didn't expect him to be so forward with me about himself that quickly, and two, how could anyone hate this person? He's... he's... I don't have words for him.

"Well, you seem nice enough to me," I say, regaining my confidence. "I'm sure you'll feel right at home on the Enterprise." I smack my hand on his shoulder gently, and quickly remove it. I was told at the academy that Vulcans don't enjoy unnecessary contact.

However, he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. He nods to me, and I watch as he walks up to the Science station. Instead of using the chair, he bends over to look in the miniature viewscreen.

_Gods wish they had your ass, Spock. _I think to myself. I remember the feel of his body heat against my hand and smile.

I pulled out of my memories with a blissful smile. I always treasured that day. It was the day that started everything. Little did we know that one day, we would be the most know duo in the galaxy; that we would fall in love and be connected in the deepest and most beautiful of ways.

That one day, it would all be taken from us in the blink of an eye.

My smile fell instantly, and the tears streamed down my face. You'd think that a man would run out of tears eventually, but I guess not.

I'd try to leave the Nexus, but I don't see the point. Spock's existence was the only reason to be around. Hell, his existence is reason enough to justify the creation of the entire world.

Without him, there's no reason for anything.  
...

_The shade of death struck my wedding night, and stole my lovely young bride._

I'm just going to say it - I hate Khan. I never used to think about him at all, but now lay awake at night and feel seething rage towards him. Most people would say that they thought it was obvious; they thought they knew how angry I was. But they don't know.

There's something about the day Spock died that I've never shared with anyone; no one knows but me and Spock's grandmother, T'Pau.

Spock and I were bonded mentally, but we'd yet to have been married in an official ceremony. We'd decided in secret on a Vulcan one, as they were easier to plan and were shorter. The idea was to only tell our friends the day it was happening; we wanted to surprise them. We'd arranged with T'Pau, who was a Vulcan Elder, to wed us.

The day Spock died was the day we were supposed to be married.

I'll never forgive Khan for taking that away from me.  
…...

_She calls, now, I must join her, to sleep cold at her side._

I've been out of the Nexus for little more than a couple hours, and I'm already in action - trying to keep some crazy who wants to enter the Nexus by destroying an entire planet. The captain known as Jean-Luc Picard and I have split up to find the remote that stops the planet-killing missile.

I come up to a rickety old bridge on a cliff. I'm about to pass it by when...

There it is. The remote. But how do I get it without falling? Spock told me that he'd come to me when the time was right, so how was I supposed to get it without dieing?

As if on cue, the planet surface disappears. Everything around me is a weird jumble of black and purple. Before I can get scared or start panicking, I feel a presence wash over me – one I never expected to feel again.

_Spock? _I think to the empty air. _Spock, is that you?_

In response, I feel a blue and white essence in my mind. One I know very well.

_Spock! I can't believe it! But how?_

_Jim, I call you now. You must join me._

That surprises me, to say the least.

_Join you? You mean...?_

_It is your time._

_I'm going to die? How? _Then it hits me. _The controller! I... I have to let myself fall, don't I?_

_You were always good at deductive reasoning, t'hy'la. Do what you must._

As soon as I had left, I was at the planet again. This time, I tread onto the bridge as carefully and lightly as possible without wasting valuable time. I rip the controller open and begin disabling the missile. I feel the bridge begin to crack under my weight, but I ignore it. This is the way it has to be.

I just finish my work as the bridge breaks away and falls.

But I'm not afraid.

I'm going to see Spock again.

I hit the ground at a high speed, feeling my legs break and my shoulder shatter into little pieces. The bridge falls on top of me, obscuring my sight. But I don't care. I'm finally going to see the man I love.

Suddenly, the boards on top of me are pulled away. It's captain Picard. He sits by my side and checks my pulse.

"I'm still here." I whisper, feeling blood in my mouth.

"Save your strength. I'll get you to my sickbay, Dr. Crusher will help you."

"Did I make a difference?" I croak.

"Yes. You did."

"Good." I say. "It was fun... oh my..." I smile a little in happiness.

"Save your strength." He repeats gently. "We will save you; you will live."

"No."

He looks at me, disbelieving, but before he can get a word out, I say "Spock... see Spock..."

And now, finally, my soul leaves my body.

I am finally dead.

But before I leave the living world, I wait. I watch captain Picard create a grave for me. I watch as my friends approach it and pay their respects, crying just as I had all through my last few years.

I walk up to them and stand right above where my body was buried. I whisper three things.

"_I'm sorry. I love you all. Goodbye."_

They all look up in surprise. I smile, knowing my words got through. I walk between Uhura and Christine, then turn to get a look at my crew one last time.

At least... the last time for now.

As I walk into the light, I hear Uhura's sobbing.

Almost instantly, I find myself aboard the original Enterprise, an exact recreation. I can't believe it; it looks so real.

"_Amazing, is it not?" _says a familiar and beautiful voice to my left.

I turn and see my First Officer and bondmate, looking up from the Science Station. He looks just as young as the first day I saw him.

I waste no time. I run up to him and kiss him, throwing my arms around his neck. He seems surprised for a second then returns the kiss just as enthusiastically.

As I give him entry to my mouth, I feel salt water slipping between our lips. Am I crying again? Probably. But is it out of sadness? No. I'm too happy right now for that.

As I pull away from our first kiss in decades, I see that I'm not the only one getting emotional. Spock's face has a clear layer of tears. But he's smiling like he did when he saw that he hadn't killed me in the ka-li-fee.

"_Spock, I can't believe it. You really _did_ come to me that night." _I say, wiping his tearsaway with my sleeve. _"But how?"_

"_An unusual entity came to see me right after I died." _He explains. _"He took the form of Admiral Pike as he was before his delta ray mutilation. He brought me here and told me I was allowed to visit your mind only twice."_

"_So I wasn't dreaming."_

"_No." _Spock pulls me closer to him. _"However, I find it was much easier to enter your mind when you were sleeping, not running around looking for an object smaller than a communicator."_

I laugh at that a little, before getting serious. _"Spock, you won't leave again, will you?"_

"_No. The entity said I could not leave even if I wanted to. I am here to stay until the end of time."_

"_What about me?" _I ask nervously.

"_You too. You will not leave." _His expression becomes stern._ "Even if you could, I would not allow it. Not ever. You are mine and mine alone. No one else may have you, t'hy'la."_

"_I like you possessive." _I whisper in his ear. _"It's cute. And kind of hot." _I lick his ear lightly, from lobe to point, then nip it gently. _"Not to ruin the mood, but what about the others? Will they come here too?"_

"_Yes. However, all red-shirted personnel have been going somewhere else. I do not know where, or why."_

I look up at him surprised. _"There's more than one afterlife?"_

Spock nods. _"I will not go into detail, but basically yes."_

Suddenly, he grabs my hand and pulls me towards the door.

"_Whoa, Spock, slow down. We have all the time in the world to see the ship."_

"_True." _He begins, a manic glint in his eye. _"However, I would not mind showing you to our quarters. In fact, I will enjoy it very much."_

It takes me few seconds to figure out what he's saying. _"Ohhhhhhhh." _I say, grinning hugely. _"_That's _what this is about?"_

Spock blushes adorably green. _"It has been several decades. I would conclude that I am well overdue for pon farr. It will be much more enjoyable then my one during our last five-year mission, now that we have our youth back and your joints are not weakening."_

I look down at myself, realizing for the first time that I look like I did on the first five-year mission too. I'm even wearing my command gold.

"_So, to our quarters then?" _I say with a smile.

"_Of course. I do not know where else."_

I smile even wider at him and sweep him up into my arms, carrying him bridal-style out the door. He laughs so very lightly and puts his arms around my neck. He presses his face against mine, our bond snapping fully awake, buzzing pleasantly against my skull, both of us reveling in the prospect of forever and of never having to leave each other ever again.

A/N *Plays last few notes, the final one ringing like death's bell. She gets up, walks into a corner shrouded black shadows, and disappears into them, leaving only a small bouquet of purple roses on the piano bench.*

Really? 5 pages? Wow. Never expected it to be _this _long.

I can safely say that the most annoying part was the final scene between Spock and Kirk. I mean, I loved it, but _God, _have you ever gone back and forth between italics and normal repeatedly? If not, you cannot fully appreciate the work that went into this. Holy fucking shit...

I AM working on The Vulcan Demon, it's just going a little slower than I would like. It's going to be a long chapter, too, unless I pull the same thing I did on chapter 7, which I don't think I'll be able to. I have got some **BIG **things planned, guys, just you wait and see.

Oh, and here's a link to the song:

http:/www. youtube .com/watch?v=y0NtqmidPkQ&feature=player_embedded

(just take out the spaces around "youtube" for it to work)


End file.
